Q: One of my female work colleagues has sprouting facial chin hairs. I don’t have a problem with it but a few of the guys in the office have started to make jokes about it. How do I politely tell her? Carly, Canary Wharf
A: I’ve tapped into her energy and I’m not sensing that she’s intending to channel her inner Chaz Bono (who we have to admit being a little in love with) or trying to save money on a Hallowe’en costume. It may be that she needs to get her eyes tested or to buy a bottle of Windex to clean her home mirrors in order to clearly see the sproutage.
You could leave a few subtle hints on her desk like a Gillette Mach3 turbo razor, a box of Veet ready-to-use wax strips or a copy of Rufus Cavendish’s The Little Book of Beards.
Alternatively, hide the office wastebasket from the cleaner, fill it daily with rotting fruit and half-eaten sarnies. The office will soon be deluged by flies. This is when you “come to the rescue” with a roll of fly paper.
Pretend to trip over when you’re standing next to the Bearded Lady holding a sheet of the paper. As you put your hands out to steady your fall aim for her chin with the paper, apologize, stand up and then quickly yank - R.I.P you wiry little suckers.
So Mote It Be
Since announcing that Tesla will produce a car that will drive from LA to New York by the end of next year our Witch Twitch has gone into overdrive around its founder Elon Musk.
The billionaire business magnate, investor and inventor – said to be the inspiration for Tony Stark , the genius engineer played by Robert Downey Jr in the Iron Man movies – is somewhat of an enigma but that’s not stopped us from dowsing his hidden depths.
With a name like Elon Musk he was always destined to be a player on
the global stage – either that or a Sacremento-based professional skunk trapper. In numerological terms his name characteristics denote he operates on a higher spiritual plane, is intuitive, illuminated, an idealist and a dreamer.
It’s little wonder then that he’s so hell bent on getting to Mars with his SpaceX company where he wants to create a bolthole for humanity.
Behind the facade
Our guides suggest that Elon is not all what he appears – we’re not referring to the fact he doesn’t seem to have aged in 30 years or that conspiracy theorists are convinced he’s an alien here to save the planet.
There is something rather other- worldly about him, however, we predict if you strip away the swagger and the stellar wealth, there’s a man-child like the Tom Hanks character in Big who’s rather shy, a bit goofy and a little awkward.
Despite the trappings of being a billionaire – the private jets, supercars palatial pads, around the world, Hollywood wives and girlfriends (more about them later) – we’re not convinced Elon is in it for the money or the lifestyle.
We sense he’s more interested in working with his ideals, rather than in dollars and cents.
The cards suggest he is a born romantic and is deeply concerned and supportive of art, and beauty in any form. Perhaps that’s why he keeps marrying British actress, writer and director and star of new HBO show Westworld Talulah Riley. They’ve tied the knot twice now, with each subsequent divorce costing Elon millions in alimony. We’re wondering if it’s going to be third time lucky for this star-crossed pair especially as a recent Twitter exchange between the pair included the hashtag #OfcourseIstillloveyou from Riley. We’ve cast the runes and it would appear she’s his kryptonite.
His soul is looking for a life of freedom, excitement and unexpected happenings. Yet, he harbours a secret dream of surrounding himself with the perfect family in the perfect home. He’s already well on his way in the department being a dad to five boys, a set of twins and triplets. But the cards suggest there’s even more to come
His cup continues to overfloweth.
The Witch of the Wharf is a published writer, regular columnist for The Wharf newspaper and blogger